The meaning of dreams

I had this dream in the early part of April that really disturbed me. I often have unpleasant or freaky dreams, that leave me unsettled and feeling tired all day. I take those for granted. Even the ones that seem to have some obvious meaning. This one was different. It was so very, very strange, for one thing; and it was one of only two dreams I can ever recall that continued to disturb me on a deep emotional and physical level for days afterwards. I decided to write it down and spent some time agonizing over the possible meaning. Of course only a few dreams ever have real meaning, most are random wanderings of the imagination. But I assume dreams like this one have actual significance. Especially since they are so rare for me and so disconnected to anything I would think of in my waking hours. I think I figured it out, but I will get into that at the end.

*I dreamed I was listening to a news story. It came on twice. The story was about the discovery of an elderly woman's body at a remote location in the mountains. She had been deceased for over a year, possibly two. In my dream, the news clip was very brief. But somehow, I knew more of the story. I knew the location; a small cabin on a mountainside with tall, tall trees surrounding it. A steep winding road went up the mountain not far away, and there was an old mill rather nearby as well. Th small village or town wasn't too far below. The old lady really wasn't as isolated as one would expect, given the length of time that lapsed before her death was discovered.

The news story mentioned that she had become entangled in her clotheslines and was unable to free herself. That it appeared an article of her clothing had blown away up into the tree, and in attempting to dislodge it she slipped and fell, getting caught in the lines and hanging there until she died. I knew that she did not die of strangulation. She hung there for days until she died of dehydration or exposure to the elements.

I knew that no one had discovered it for so long because she was a mean, bitter, nasty old lady who hated other people and whose neighbors studiously avoided her. I knew that her clotheslines were strung between two tall trees on either side of the deep gully below her house, with a pulley-style movement for accessibility similar to what the Amish use. So to a passer-by, or even a concerned neighbor, her position would not have been immediately apparent, suspended nearly 50 feet above the gully in the shade of the trees.

In my dream, I remembered passing by the cabin at least once on a drive up the mountain, and being aware of the angry, unsociable, bitter emotions that emanated from the area. And listening to the news clip, I seemed to feel the emotional agony the old woman had experienced during her horribly slow death. The hatred, the rage and fury, the disbelief, the grief and regret, the despair, the fury again, and eventually the total insanity, and her mind disconnected from her dying body and lost its capacity for rational thought. It terrified me to think how dreadfully haunted the already spooky cabin would be, now that the person who infused it with so much negative psychic energy had died such a tragic and lingering death in the vicinity.

At what point I progressed from fully asleep to that weird half-waking stage, I am not sure. But at some point I was standing outside the cabin, wanting to go in and see if she had left anything that might give clues; to her identity, her final wishes, or something that might perhaps be done to make her tortured spirit more restful. I didn't think that storage in a morgue, or a pauper's grave far away, would be a good idea. It seemed that since she owned the property, she ought to be buried there regardless of bureaucratic red tape. I felt intensely burdened to find something that would persuade the callous, business-oriented officials to give the old lady her home for good. After all, she wasn't going anywhere, no matter what they did with the remains.

But I couldn't go in. I was terrified of the violent emotions inside. Afraid that the sheer force of the insanity and rage behind that closed door would take my mind. So I stood outside, trying to think of a way to help, but feeling utterly too small and incompetent. When it came down to it, I had to choose survival.*

The dream left me feeling very rattled and incredibly sad and guilty for a few days. I wondered if maybe I was the old woman, so bitter and unable to socialize with other people that I will eventually drive everyone away. But I really can't see myself ever being that emotionally isolated. I am too bent on finding the answers to ever give uyp and shut myself in a box forever. I think. I even wondered if maybe I had dreamed about something that actually happened. But I doubt it, because I cannot invent a single scenario in my mind, realistically, in which an old woman could climb so high in a tree and become so entangled by simply falling. In real life, it would seem that at the very least she would have managed to free herself and then died from the fall into the gully.

No, I think the dream was about my relationship with Mark. I have watched him for the past nine years, ever since his mother left home, and he abandoned all his goals and dreams and went back to fill her shoes and be the pathetic loser she always told him he would be, dying that slow and agonizing death that no one can see. I've watched him occasionally try to open up, but finding it impossible to make anyone understand where he is coming from, he shuts down again and the hatred and bitterness deepen. Every small disappointment becomes a colossal failure; every jerk who screws him over becomes just another asshole in a long line of assholes who keep taking pieces of his soul, like the natives of Ceylon sacrificing little children by tying them to trees and then rushing at them with knives to see who could hack off the biggest chunk. They really did do that. And people still do it today. They just do it spiritually and emotionally. And I am really afraid that soon there won't be anything left; that he will die a terrible and unnecessary death, spiritually, because he is actually more afraid of learning how to live than he is of dying.

It's a terrible thought. And like the lady in my dream, I want so desperately to help him, to bring some peace to his life; but it seems no longer in my power. I have a scary feeling that the choices he is making now could end up being the final ones; and he still isn't ready to make the ones he must in order to survive. God help us all.

Note: This isn't because of anything in particular that Mark has done recently. It's just a feeling I am getting as time goes on and our paths seem to be divulging more and more. And the dream really shook me up. I've been needing to write it down ever since.      

Enjoying the Easter treats

This was the first year I did anything for Easter. The boys had a blast. And it wasn't expensive either. Except for the prize goose egg, which Andy was quite thrilled to find. Lots of fun.

Sigh....

I don't know if I feel more upset or relieved today. I have long been uncomfortable leaving the boys with Mark, because he is starting to show the same behavior patterns I remember so well from his mother. He doesn't beat them, but he yells and harasses and throws stuff and gets very abusive with his language.

Last night when I got home, Hunter was in the backyard sulking. When he saw me he came over pouting and said, "Papa beat me up." I knew there had to be more to the story, besides he certainly didn't look beat up. So I asked him more questions, and he said that he was having a fight with Andy and threw a bottle of water at him, and Papa threw it back and "beat me up in the face." In other words, the bottle hit his face. He also said that Papa told him to leave the house. I tried not to show how exasperated I was and went inside. Mark was laying on the bed watching a movie on the little DVD player, and water was all over the mattress in front of him. I asked Hunter if that was the mess from the water. Before he could answer Mark looked up and said, "He threw a bottle of water at me!" for all the world like a bratty older brother tattling on the younger one. Ugh. Then he started calling Hunter childish bad names and telling him to get out of the house, acting as though he was kidding. Andy started shouting insults and bad language from upstairs at Mark, which Mark immediately responded to in kind. Great. Way to set an example for your sons. Andy called him the b-word, and just as I opened my mouth to tell him he is never allowed to call anyone that, Mark called him a poop.

I just wanted to rip out my hair. I can sit there and tell the boys to respect their father until my hair turns gray, but the simple fact is that if he refuses to act worthy of that respect, they are never going to. And it sure is hard to tell Andy he can't call people bad names when his dad calls him bad names right back.

This is why I can't work any more.

I was hoping Mark would have started a new job by now, and alleviate some of the problem. But it doesn't look like that will happen until Monday, and besides my Mom sprained her back two weeks ago and is having trouble getting around. Watching the boys all day is hard on her. (They are on spring break this week.) I tried to talk to her last night, but she was away. So today I asked her if she would be able abd willing to keep the boys even if Mark is home, and she said no. I figured she would, it's asking her to get involved in our family matters and I probably wouldn't want to in her shoes either. So I texted my supervisor and told her I can't come in tomorrow because of babysitting, and that's the end of that. I am picking up my things next week. I figured that would happen too, because it's putting a lot of pressure on her to have my schedule becoming so unreliable.

I will not have my kids raised like Mark and his brothers. Not even remotely. Even if I have to eat beans and rice.

I still don't know what he will say, but whatever happens will happen. It feels good to know that I am doing the right thing. The whole situation just sucks all around.

Hmmm

I had my first prenatal appt yesterday. At the ultrasoun. the nurse mentioned that I had a large uterine fibroid. I shrugged it off since I have long suspected I had them. But as my belly grows, I am starting to get a strange and painful feeling.sometimes as if there is a very hard lump of knotted muscle there. And when it's not there, I can feel what I think is the fibroid, a lumpy solid mass about the size of my thumb. I mentioned it to the midwife, and she is sending me for another ultrasound to have it measured. She says if it is too large, it could interfere with labor and delivery. Bummer.
Mark's case from his arrest last year was closed this morning. So pathetic, basically a slap on the wrist all around and nominal fines just to prove that they really DID have a case. Although they lost half their paperwork and continued the hearing 4 times! But at least it's over, or will be once they take another $150 from us. Slow strangulation that never ends. Still, I feel relief.

Licensed again!

Mark got his license restored yesterday. Whoohoo! It does seem rather anti-climactic since we don't have a car to drive, but first things first. It cost us another $122 at the last minute for more paperwork, of course. They couldn't let it be THAT easy. But it's done now! One charge was simply to prove that he didn't have a car and therefore didn't need insurance. Ugh.

This morning we are headed to a friend's mother's memorial service. She struggled with health problems her whole life until being diagnosed with Celiac's Disease a few years ago. Her health improved greatly for a short time, then slowly deteriorated again. Last year she was taken to the hospital where they found a large cancerous tumor in her stomach that had metasticized. It claimed her life last week. Some things you just can't prepare for.

Decisions, decisions

Well, I have decided to stop working again. Andy really needs me at home. He is showing some pretty severe rage for a six-year-old, and Mark is not helping at all. Neither is my little brother, which makes me not want Andy at my mom's house. And my mom is overwhelmed. School is out at the end of May, and I was hoping that my sister would be coming home for the summer because she is really good with the boys. But she isn't; my mom made it clear she is to remain in WV until the end of the year.

So after hearing that, and observing Andy's interaction with Mark and with my brother while I was home sick for 3 days, I decided to ask my Dad whether he felt they needed the rent badly enough for me to keep working or whether I should stay home with the boys and help Mom out with my grandmother and the housework. He seemed relieved that I would consider leaving work and said to talk to my mom. She will never say that she can't watch the boys; but she did say she thought Andy's behaviour warranted my staying home even if we can't pay rent. They also said they have decided to sell the house this year because it is too big for them to keep up with now. And the expense of maintaining a historic property has become too burdensome.

That pretty much put the last nail in the coffin as far as work. Between this unexpected pregnancy, Andy's need for close attention and more stability and consistency at home, and the fact that we will need to move somewhere else and not just out of the cabin, I really have no reason to stick this out over the summer. I am disappointed, certainly. I had hoped this job would put me through college, provide Andy with an education suited to his special skills and particular needs, and relieve some of the pressure on Mark with finances. But life just isn't turning out that way, and there's no point in trying to fight it from here on out.

As for Mark, I have felt for some time now that all I accomplished by going back to work was to enable him. He says I am cutting his ankles out from under him just when he's getting back on his feet. I didn't answer that, just kept pointing out the behaviour that worries me and why I feel that I can't do enough to correct it in the limited time I have at home. He eventually stopped arguing, but I don't think he's really convinced yet. He said that Andy's life is a cakewalk compared to what he went through at six years old, and he will grow out of this. I don't believe he will grow out of it at all. If he was strong enough, he'd be punching holes in the walls and breaking windows. That is not a way of dealing with anger that I can let him continue growing with. Also, while Mark's statement about his life is correct, that is meaningless. We have to do better than just keeping our kids out of the tenth ring of hell to fulfill our responsibilities as parents. Mark's childhood is not a comparison to anything.

And to be honest, I feel that Mark cut my ankles out from under me when I first started here, by getting arrested before I even got my first paycheck. The first 6 weeks of my income went, not to pay the school like it was supposed to, but to pay his court costs and fines. And his behaviour since has continued to hack away at my ankles. But that's merely an observation, and doesn't really have any bearing on what is happening right now.

He keeps talking about all the opportunites Andy will be deprived of if we continue to struggle financially, and he's not completely full of it. I just disagree with his priorities. I don't think any amount of opportunity will do Andy any good if I can't help him find a better way to cope with his emotions right now. I think a large part of the problem is that he is so unusually perceptive for a child, and is able to absorb so much more mentally than he is capable of processing emotionally. I know Mark was that way, and while I won't say it to him, I feel I can see firsthand the devastating effects it has had on his adult life. And I think he would have been a lot better off today if his parents had taken the time to help him work through some of his problems, regardless of what opportunities were taken from him. And they did slam several doors in his face that no doubt would have made his life much easier. But what he doesn't see, and what I believe, is that those emotional problems would still have remained and would still be affecting his life just like they are today. 

As if to confirm that I made the right choice, the same day I told my supervisor of my decision, Mark got two calls. One from a company he had applied with a few weeks back for apartment maintenance and had interviewed with. They asked him to come in and fill out the new hire paperwork and take the drug test. So it sounds like he has the job, and although it's not right along the beaten path for public transportation, it is accessible. It would also potentially give us another option when we eventually have to move. It's in a much nicer area and much closer than the other company he worked for last summer.

And then later that afternoon, he got a call from PennDOT saying that his license issues have all been resolved and he can get his new license any time at the photo center. Whoohoo!!!!

I hope that God is opening some doors here even others are closing. I am relieved to be staying home for now. It's what I need for my own peace of mind, and what I believe the boys need. When I went to work it was because I felt that it was important to get the boys and myself out of that horrid place we were living, and that has been accomplished. I am very glad. And now it appears the time has come to move on. We didn't have a home then. We do now.  

Baby bunny

We went up to see the new baby. He is so beautiful! And much to the boys' delight, there were baby bunnies to see as well. Hunter was so sweet with them.

Bring on the babies!

My brother Daniel and his wife had a little baby boy this morning. :D One down, four to go! They wondered if they would break the family pattern of always having a boy first, but it looks like that honor will have to wait for one of my two youngest sisters. The other brother expecting his first next month already knows they are having a boy. And for the rest of us, it's not our first.

I can't wait to see him!

I'm glad we had some good news, because yesterday we got correspondence from the IRS. Not the EIC I was counting on, but a bill for a small amount of money they say Mark owes from 2003 plus a couple thousand in interest. SOBs. Of course he will have to call and demand proof, but if we ever see a check it won't be any time soon at this point. They already hit his bank account twice last year for between 1 and 2 thousand for other years they said they found some smidgen still owed on. We finally gave up on having a bank account at all. These rat bastards. Thanks so much for all your change, Obama! I can't tell you how impressed I am! All I see from down here is a growing heap of shit!

Plus, I have another self-righteous, narrow-minded hypocrite in my life on top of all the ones I've been trying so hard to distance myself from, in the form of a coworker. Who apparently gets to do whatever she wants around here. Not sure why. I guess she kissed the right asses at some point, but all I ever see anyone do is kiss her ass. She thinks being pregnant gives her freedom to abuse and bully everyone else as much as she wants. I wonder if I could get away with that? Oh wait - I don't want to. Never mind.

Anyway, I will just try to think about all the new babies coming this year and pretend that we aren't getting flushed down the toilet for as long as possible.  

Friday Fragments

Let's see if I can get this link thing right...... Mrs. 4444 kindly brings us Friday Fragments. I couldn't get her nifty little icon, hopefully she will forgive me. :)

First, the April Fool joke. Except this one wasn't mine. In fact, I found it hard to see the humor in it. I stood in a blizzard at the bus stop this morning. And not only were there enormous flakes of snow falling - the kind you only get when 37 degrees drops to 35 and the rain becomes snow - but it was actually sticking! In April! Blech. As my former boss used to say, "Boooooo! Hissssssss!"

My medical finally came through. So did some other assistance, and even though that will only be temporary, it is still lovely to breathe for a couple of months. I have my first appointment with the midwives in 3 weeks. Yayy! And the same afternoon, FINALLY, a long overdue eye appointment for Andy at a facility that takes the most recent version of state health insurance the boys have been given. Hopefully he will get glasses; he needs them.

I am not opposed to state- or federally-funded health insurance. Just to having them run it. Because the state and federal governments destroy everything they touch. And they will do the same to health care. It has already begun.

After my first prenatal appointment, I can finally go and have this rotten tooth pulled. Hopefully. I am so tired of eating garlic every day. It works, but does not endear me to other people, hehe. The oral surgeon said the root is in my sinus and she is afraid of leaving a hole in my sinus after the extraction. This would necessitate a round of antibiotics that she says are really not recommended during pregnancy. So she wants to wait for the second trimester.

Tomorrow is the last day of the first trimester! Whoohoo!

A friend of mine offered us a sofa bed. My brother is going to pick it up for us next week. Finally we will have a place to sit, and be able to let people in the house without them having to stand the entire time. Next in line? A smaller kitchen table, so there will actually be room to pull out the chairs around it. And sit in them!

My Dad's mother has come to live at my parents' house now. I hope she can adjust. No doubt it will have an impact on my mom's ability to watch the boys. We will have to take all that one day at a time.

I have changed my mind about getting a car with the EIC if it comes through, because even if someone gave me a car right now I couldn't afford it. I need too many other things with that money; maternity clothes, spring clothes for the boys, new glasses (my eyes are getting dreadful with this pregnancy), a better phone that doesn't shut down every fifth text and still has visible numbers, hehe; not to mention the bills that need to be caught up. I also want to get Andy a bike since he has very much outgrown the one he got 18 months ago. And I want to get a membership to some museum or place I can take the kids that is accessible through public transportation. Still researching that one. And I want to do something special for Hunter. His requests often fall by the way because his wants are simple and he doesn't ask for a lot, while Andy is very demanding. He has expressed a wish for a robot. So I want to find him something along those lines.

He is getting very reckless. Twice he has run across the road without looking or holding our hands. He can run faster than me, and I am seriously considering that backpack with the leash even though he should be too old for it. He doesn't listen at all.

I was able to raise our phone minutes without extending our contract. That was a relief. No more $200+ phone bills.

I finally told the boys about Mark's father while he was gone one day. Hunter doesn't really get it. Andy freaked out. He started yelling and throwing things and took a while to calm down. He asked how it happened, and when I told him it was because of too many drugs, he shouted, "Well that's not my fault! What is wrong with these people? I can't do anything about that!" My poor little man. It hurts his innocence to be so wise beyond his years.

We haven't heard anything about a memorial service yet, but I'm still hoping.

The boys get their school photos taken in a couple of weeks. I can hardly wait. The company they hire does a fantastic job. Finally we will have some current portraits worth putting up.

Andy can't wait for the Easter egg hunt. And he has informed me that he has all sorts of devious April Fool pranks planned for when I get home. Lovely. He has my brat of a little brother to help so no doubt they will cause some trouble. I told him as long as it doesn't leave me a mess to clean up, I won't be mad. I found a little amber and silver honeybee pin I'd forgotten I had and let Hunter take it for his show-and-tell. He was thrilled at the prospect of convincing all his friends there is a bee crawling on him. :D

I have decided on names for the baby. Of course, I do change my mind a lot; but I think I am set on Caroline for a girl. I like Frances for a middle name. And for a boy I like Brandon Lewis. I think it's a girl though. 7 more weeks until I can find out! Hopefully.

Well, have a good weekend.