The meaning of closure

The past couple days I've felt very much at peace with the Other Mother situation. Not because anything has changed outwardly. It's just that reading the book I mentioned was exactly what I needed to know where I should go from here.

I've struggled to reconcile the idea that I shouldn't try to separate him from his family, with the knowledge that she at least is extrememly unhealthy for him and us. Every time the frustration builds to the point I absolutely can't take it any more, I feel like I have to tell Mark how I feel first and get his permission somehow to stand up to her. And knowing from experience that he will only try to bully and guilt-trip me into giving in to her, I can't do that. I've fought back against his line of "You can't keep her grandkids from her, they are all she has," knowing that he's hearing it from her and repeating it; but still there is that nagging voice in the back of my mind saying that it's true, she has never hurt them, how dare I drive a wedge between them. Yet I know that I can't wait until she does to take a stand, and it's inevitable she will at some point. And I know that being around her affects my mental state to the point of affecting my behavior as a parent. That hurts them, albeit indirectly.

I've felt guilty for being so angry with her and still not confronting her, even though I've watched many others try to with nothing but more trouble for their efforts. And the futility was made plain last Thanksgiving when I told her what I thought for once. But you know, there are those verses, "If your brother have aught against you....." "Forgive one another...." verses about reconciliation and acceptance and etc. So I have never been able to stop thinking "What if" every time I want to make a decision. It had gotten to the point where I really felt my options were (1) Leave Mark to get away from her, or (2) Suck it up and accept her as she is. Which I know I cannot do any more.

Reading this book, and seeing them confirm everything I have said and thought about the situation and about how she fits into it, was depressing at first. Because they made it clear you cannot expect the person to change. These people rarely change, or even acknowledge any need for changes, or admit that they have hurt anyone by their behavior. They said what I've already found out the hard way, that you can't expect empathy or support from other relatives or acquaintaces, because most likely those people have never met the person you know and will conclude YOU are the one with the problem. They honestly have no idea what on earth you are talking about and have never glimpsed the behavior that has scarred you so deeply. So it didn't offer much hope for a successful confrontation and/or reconciliation at any point.

What it DID do is break me out of the idea that my relationship with her needs to have the same boundaries and abide by the same rules that Mark's does. I now feel perfectly confident and justified in establishing the boundaries that work for me, and leaving him to establish his own when he's ready. I feel like I know what to say if and when he tries to confront me about it. And I will know that I have the right to stand where I do. I didn't know that to a certainty before.

And part of that comes from the realization that I have always had my own separate relationship with her, because I grew up with her constant presence throughout my adolescence. I don't have anywhere close to the same amount of emotional scarring that Mark does, but I do have some, directly related to her and the way she treated me and my siblings, independent of Mark. That made me feel very confident in paving my own way. I have tried to live as though I have no relationship with her except through Mark, which of course holds me to his boundaries and standards - none of which affect her or what she wants when it really comes down to it. No longer.

This gives me a much-needed sense of closure.   

Things happen in threes.....

Well, first the good news. Which is not one of the threes. The third nephew of 2011 was born on Saturday night! I'm thinking I may have the only girl this year, lol. Somehow I have a hunch Sarah is having a boy in August.

Now, on to the present issues. Young Mom kindly recommended some books to me, and I went looking for a few of them this weekend. Our local bookstore had a copy of "Toxic Parents," and I wanted it but was a bit concerned about the inflammatory title. I wanted Mark to potentially read it as well. I found instead a book called "Emotional Blackmail," which sounded just like what the Other Mother does to him. So I looked for that. They didn't have it. In the process I came across a book called "Surviving A Borderline Parent."

Some time ago, a family therapist I cleaned house for told me that she sounded like a Borderline personality. Not knowing what that meant, I scoffed, feeling that there is nothing with the word "borderline" that could possibly apply to such an extreme person. I opened the book and was shocked at how many parallels jumped out right away. So I bought it.

It was certainly an eye-opener. Not into her; I've seen enough of what lives inside of her to know all I need to. But it struck me how many of the same behaviors, insecurities, and paranoias the adult children of these people report, are the same patterns in him that I have always attributed to the sexual abuse. And of course, many of them ARE the same; what upset me was realizing how many factors contributed to creating them in the first place. As if the poor kid didn't have enough to deal with from just one source. I'm amazed all over again at his resilience.

In the midst of this, I made some comments on Facebook about how much she was pissing me off. One of her distant unrelated "relatives" made a few comments and ended up looking up the court case - some court case, at least. She said that Mark won the case, that his abuser was found guilty.

As you may imagine, I rather freaked. I kept asking her more questions, and she asked her mother who had been interviewed by investigators in the case, and her mother said the same thing. Since that certainly isn't the story we had always heard, and Mark has always believed, I decided to ask his step-dad. I didn't dare ask Donna in case she really had lied, but it made no sense.

His step-dad said that was absolutely not true and said I could find out at the law library. The girl wasn't getting back to me and what few things she said seemed to deliberately leave out any solid information. So I went and looked it up. Nothing, only appellate cases are published. They told me to call the courthouse where the case was tried.

I did. No records of the case at all. Even though it was from 1987 and their system goes back to '85. Donna always talked about the powerful connections he had covering his tracks everywhere, so I can only assume that's what happened here. He somehow got it removed from the system. If I ever find myself in that town, I will look for a hard copy; but the courthouse employees said that would be extremely difficult without having it in the computer system. And Mark's parents threw away their copy. I can understand why, but it's a shame. That may have been the only record left.

All they have are the records from the subsequent lawsuit, which The Thing won, and their appeal, which they lost. Since I am fairly certain there's no way he could sue for slander if he was found guilty, and since I really doubt this girl found something even the court couldn't find, I can only assume that he was indeed acquitted and she looked at the wrong case. In fact, the brief that was filed in the lawsuit states that he was acquitted.

Why this other woman says otherwise, I have no idea, and I'm not going to ask. The family has enough drama, and there is never any agreement between any two of them on any subject, however simple. But it really shook me up for a couple of days.

Thirdly, the infamous Tim called Mark yesterday. Since I blocked his number, he calls from all sorts of other numbers. We had heard he was arrested last week buying heroin, with paraphernalia and his 4-year-old daughter in the vehicle. He's out already. Why? He gave up all his connections in the area. And called Mark to tell him this, and added how much he trusts Mark not to tell anyone because Mark is the only person who knows where he lives.

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

As if that wasn't low-down and psychopathic enough, he went on to add that with the insurance check he just received for totaling his vehicle, he bought a log of heroin and did Mark know anyone who might want some. Piece of shit. So he basically traded his car for drugs, got arrested and rolled on all sorts of of people who certainly aren't my friends but are no worse than him, and now being the narcissist he is, he wants Mark to come and celebrate with him by getting high after two years of relative sobriety. Oh, he didn't have to say that part; it's obvious.

There simply aren't words in this language to describe the vileness of such a person. I hope something bad happens to him. It's probably the only chance his kids will have of a decent life.   

I want to walk again!

This isn't going to be some kind of deep, existential post lol. I mean it literally. I haven't walked comfortably since I was pregnant with Andy. I got pregnant with Hunter 9 months later, on purpose; Mark's doctor had given him 6 months to live without drastic lifestyle changes and I did not want to be a single mom of a single son. I felt Andy and I were both too clingy for that, and I could not fathom getting remarried.
Hunter was 10 lbs. 7 ozs. And suffered shoulder dystocia. I knew after his birth that my insides weren't right, but I had no insurance and no money, so I did the kegels and avoided being on my feet as much as possible. Only last year did I begin to feel safe running at all, and never for any distance. It seemed like my insides might fall out. That was a major factor in not wanting to get pregnant again, although I didn't tell anyone.
At 25 weeks, I'm beginning to really feel the weight of my growing baby. The midwife said I had a minor prolapse of my gall bladder when she examined me, which explains my need to pee constantly; but I think it's more. My whole birth canal feels like it just might turn inside out if the baby gets bigger, and I've got a ways to go yet. I hurt if I'm on my feet for more than an hour or two, and especially if I am walking a lot. I have to lie down whether I'm tired or not in the afternoon, because just sitting doesn't cut it any more.
Having this bad tooth out is amazing. I can focus better, I have far more stamina even though my energy is low, and it's making me realize just how much my mobility is hampered. I'm a bit concerned. Maybe I should accept the hospital transfer I've been fighting the midwives on after all. Not because I think I'll have another 10 lb. baby, but just in case they have to put all my organs back in place afterwards.

The Harlot

It struck me recently when I was reading Proverbs how very different the woman described there as the evil, predatory harlot is from the image we were given as Fundamentalists. Odd that this coincided with reading a couple of posts by Enigma (link at the side of this page) regarding modesty and the victim-blame mentality.
The first thing that struck me was the lifestyle of the woman described by Solomon. She is about as far removed from the poor outcasts we are taught to regard with such disgust, as one can get. She is described as a wealthy woman, one who has access to rich apparel and finery and perfumes. She is also a married woman, or at least claiming to be, telling men that her "good man" is away and they will be safe from discovery. This doesn't sound like someone dressing scantily and giving a forward smile. It doesn't sound like the typical inner city prostitute, most of whom ended up there because they fled abusive homes where they already had to give it up on a regular basis for free, with no say at all. At least on the street they get paid and have some option in choosing a customer. And she certainly isn't a prisoner of addiction either. She chooses this lifestyle, willingly, and pursues it, for whatever reason.
Yet how many of us are taught as girls that if we smile too widely, or talk too loud, or swing our hips when we walk, or let our knees and shoulders show, we are "tempting" men and inviting their attention on a dangerous level. This mentality is just as damaging to the boys as it is the girls. They cannot help drawing the conclusion that any girl who does these things is looking for their attention, wanting them physically, and also unworthy of their respect. It breeds not only repressed and fearful women, but predatory and disrespectful men as well. The kind of men who are dumb enough to think that a streetwalker is desperate for sex and unworthy of common human decency, rather than severely damaged and trapped by the abuse they have suffered.
I do not believe that girls should dress provocatively. I think they should dress comfortably, and feel free to dress attractively. I also believe that when they cross the moral boundary, that is between them and God. It gives no one permission to violate their human rights by touching them without permission. It is each person's responsibility not to do wrong to another, and two wrongs do not make a right.
When someone is a liar, the smart thing to do is avoid and ignore them as much as possible. When someone is violent, it's smart to avoid them as well. And when someone is inappropriate and tempting in their dress and behavior, the same would follow there. What is this idea that we have to control what other people do? Teaching self-control would be far more effective and safe.

My Parents

One of my biggest problems with all the Fundamentalist parenting literature out there, is that it is all written from the parents' viewpoint. Where are the books written by these experts' grown children to back up what Mom and Dad said? How are they raising their own children? They are the ones I want to hear from.
So on that note, I thought I'd point out some of the things my parents did that I DO wish to emulate.
My mom is certainly a good teacher. It's one of her gifts. I struggle with things like showing the boys how to tidy up their room, scrub themselves in the tub, get dressed, or help out with dinner. Part of it is certainly the cramped living space; it's difficult to move about with them in the room. But I could do more.
I'm glad that we grew up without TV. If it weren't for Mark's health problems, we probably wouldn't use ours much. He needs a way to distract himself from the back pain. I am eagerly awaiting the day when we have our own private bedroom and the TV can stay in there out of sight.
I appreciate all the local government meetings Mom dragged us to. I hated it then. But I have since come to realize that observing the political machine in motion during those early years gave us an insight that could hardly be learned as an adult. And I definitely plan to do the same for my kids. Watching the flow of BS while they are still young enough to see through it will give them better political intelligence than any book they can read.
The same with all the campaigning we did during elections. When there wasn't a candidate my parents supported, Mom would have us hand out copies of the Bill of Rights, or articles by the founding fathers, to remind people where their loyalties should lie. This was a valuable experience as kids. People would challenge our opinions and beliefs, making us think about why we held these positions, and looking back I have great respect for my parents' willingness to have their beliefs challenged through their children. I doubt many others would.
Plus, my mom taught us to sing, and she always cooked regular meals, and many of those everyday things that were once taken for granted but were already falling by the way even in her generation. My parents never argued in front of us, a luxury I envy now with never having any privacy from our kids. They always presented a united front to us, and I tried to do the same until it became clear I would have to give up every single value I held to do so.
My parents were old-fashioned, and they instilled old-fashioned values in us. I disagree with some of those, but others will never lose their importance. And they managed to give us pretty strong coping skills when it comes to the non-social aspects of life. Kids learn by example, not instruction. Even my parents don't really believe that, but it's true. And in most ways they set a very good example.
Love covers a multitude of sins. I have yet to meet anyone else whose childhood I would rather have had. Because I don't think any parents could love their kids more than mine do, no matter the mistakes. They still pray for every child - in-laws too - and every grandchild, every night, by name. That makes me feel protected in a way I can't explain. Working at the daycare, I had plenty of opportunity to observe parents. Most loved their kids, but not enough to really listen to them or observe them. A few obsessed over them, and read books and asked anyone with a degree for help instead of just learning from their kids. This worked out well for the manipulative director, of course. And then there were a few who didn't love their kids at all. Those parents might go a whole lifetime without hitting their child, but the damage will be enormous even so. Nothing can substitute for love, and kids know when you are faking. That's why I don't call normal spanking abuse. Even though I have come to disagree with it, I have seen parents give their child a look that I have no doubt will scar deeper than any corporal discipline. And my parents never looked at us that way. I don't think they would know how.

New post on my other blog

http://becauseofoffenses.blogspot.com/2011/06/averys-story.html

Religion, marriage, and spirits: Part One

This is a combination of two posts that have been taking shape in my head for a while. Since I tend to make anything very important to me scattered and hard to follow, I decided to steal Permission To Live's idea and make it a multiple part post.

This first part is to help explain why I am researching and reaching the conclusions I expect to bring out over the next few posts.

Religion: Ever since I can remember I was unsatisfied with the answers my Fundamentalist upbringing provided. Especially after meeting Mark, and much more especially after watching his mother and the way June (my mom's religious mentor) interacted with her. There were some enormous contradictions and gross hypocrisies evident in that whole situation that for many years dampened my faith as a whole. I began to question everything, including whether there was really even a God. Still, I always knew there was evil. And to believe in any spiritual world at all would necessitate belief in a Holy Spirit as powerful, if not more powerful, than any evil spirit. It has to be that way for balance. Plus, I had been what is commonly called "saved" at about 7 years old, and I could not deny the presence of a loving, pure, and protective influence in my life.

So once I accepted that yes, there is a God, a righteous God, and yes, He did have a hold on my life, I set out to discover who and what He really is, as opposed to what I had always been taught He was.

A few things influenced my search to arrive where I am today. During my "what if" days, I read a book called "Prospero's Children." I would not tell anyone to read it, and I no longer possess it and never intend to again. Still, I think it was an important stepping stone in my path to find the truth. It was a fantasy novel about a young woman who discovers she has supernatural powers, ones that are needed, and embarks on a path that leads her to great danger from the darker powers and their minions hiding in the woodwork. I think the main thing I have retained from that story above all, is the importance of keeping your talents for only what matters, never using them selfishly, and always remembering that with power comes equal responsibility.

April and Kori may remember the infamous Tim from back in my early blogging days. He talked about red-letter Christianity at one point; and while I do not subscribe to the idea that only the words of Christ are acceptable out of the entire Bible, still he was right that when you read only the words of Christ, you get a vastly different impression of what a Christian should be than the stereotype most of us find in the churches. This had a strong influence on my search as well and was the beginning of my questioning not just the Fundamentalist doctrines, but the overall Western theology as well. Back then, I still rejected the idea that non-protestant churches could be Christian, but merely concluded that the idea of organized religion in general went against the doctrines taught by Christ.

Then, there were the conversations I had with June and with the Other Mother, in which I realized that no amount of Biblical knowledge or quotation could make one a Christian. For all their verses, their doctrines do not follow the teachings of Christ. Simple as that. This really knocked the whole basis of my religious upbringing off the tracks.

Marriage: It is an inescapable fact that being with Mark has contributed heavily to my search. There is no way to reconcile the experiences he has had, both physically and spiritually, with the religious lifestyle I was taught. My mom has certainly tried, but unsuccessfully in my view. June lives in denial, insisting that things cannot really be that way, and falls back on her much-loved quote of "When I was young, I spake as a child," blah blah. Claiming that anything you experience as a child is by nature unreal and warped because you cannot see anything clearly until you reach adulthood. She also says that it is impossible for a child to tell the truth, they are by nature evil, selfish little liars who think only of what they can get out of any situation. This concept of course works out quite conveniently for her to deny the possibility that there are situations she cannot justify or preach to. The Other Mother simply refuses to hear about or acknowledge anything she can't top with a more dramatic story from her own experience. And most of what happened to Mark is beyond anything she can come up with. Also, she won't acknowledge any event or effect that she would have to admit she should have noticed. Like the polio thing, for example. Or anything that implies she handled a situation badly.

Spirits: I found out a lot about the abuse Mark endured in detail when he was in rehab. More specifically, in withdrawal. It was hard to hear and certainly affected my health at the time, and most of it I did not respond to but merely let him talk. He was not exactly in his right mind at the time - to put it mildly - and it has become evident since that much of what he told me he had never told anyone else, including the investigators in the case, and does not now remember telling me. So I have never pursued any of it with him. I think the anguish of withdrawal brought out some repressed memories that he was unable to keep silent about, but has since buried again; and I can see no good reason to dig them back out. But I will never forget.

One of the things he told me was that the Thing who abused him had told him if he ever told anyone else, he would be cursed. Apparently the Thing was pretty specific about the details of the curse, and when Stevie got hit and nearly died last year, he mentioned it again. He believed that something intended Stevie to die then, as a punishment to Mark, and expressed a desire to go find a psychic or someone who could tell him whether there was a curse following him around. I tried very hard - and for now, I think successfully - to discourage this. Not because I think he won't find any answers, but because he has told me about several demonic experiences he had as a child in which he was, from my perception, used as an unwilling portal by harmful and malicious entities. Again, this is one of those situations where I mostly keep my mouth shut during his stories and just file them away as valuable information. There isn't anything I can say and he isn't asking me for answers. But I am certain that any type of psychic activity on his part, no matter how benign in its intent, would open wide a door that is better left shut - or at least somewhat blocked - to spirits that can and will harm him and those close to him. Like me. And the kids.

I have felt those spirits many times. Much less since we moved back here. I think some of it has to do with the fact that this is MY space, MY place, and those entities have no foothold here outside of Mark's mind like they did in the house where he had lived with his family. I am going off on a topic I have avoided so far by saying these things, because there isn't any kind of solidarity to it or anything I can point to as evidence. It's just what I know in my guts. And I feel like explaining it now. I feel the NEED to explain it. And that is the main purpose of this multi-part post. In which my religious search, Mark, and whatever spirits hang around him are all tied together.     

Polio, asthma and family secrets

I had a talk with the pediatrician at the boys' last checkup. See, there are two medical statements on their record from Mark's side that I have come to doubt over the past couple years. One is asthma. Mark is prone to respiratory issues, and so is Hunter. Mark nearly died of pneumonia as a toddler, and was put on cough syrup with codeine for about 3-4 years. I've never been able to bring myself to point out that this probably contributed to his silence and ability to block out much of the sexual abuse he suffered throughout that time. I have noted that it undountedly helped set him up for the narcotics addiction he has struggled with. But asthma? I have questioned that since realizing what panic attacks are and learning more about his childhood. I don't think he ever had asthma. And I am removing it from the family history.

Then there was the polio vaccine. The one that Other Mother claims was responsible for him being unable to walk for 3 weeks. I have refused to get the boys vaccinated for fear the reaction would carry through. But last year I began to question that too. I became certain after hearing her explanation of certain instances I personally knew were different, that this was her cover story to hide her own gross neglect. Or possibly a severe beating she gave him. But the time line coincides too closely with the brutal rape he endured, and the pediatrician confirmed my suspicion that not only was the vaccine likely given around that age, but that all reported reactions were digestive issues related to the outdated oral vaccine, which has now been replaced by a synthetic shot. He said there was no reason to believe that the vaccine could have affected a child's mobility.

I haven't mentioned this to Mark, obviously. He has enough to deal with right now. If he ever starts to delve in again, I certainly will. But for now, I am taking that off the record as well, and chalking it up to one more ugly cover-up by the most neglectful and abusive parent I have ever known personally, or am likely to ever know.

Strawberries and lemonade!

Andy had his first lemonade stand on Memorial Day. He was very enthusiastic about it. He is constantly griping about the toys and games we can't buy him, which garners just about zero sympathy from me and seems to really put a guilt trip on Mark. I told him he could start earning his allowance, because I know he won't ever be satisfied with what Mark gives him. So he sat down and went over the math with me, we learned about profit and cost, counted the change my Mom loaned us. He wrung out quite a few lemons before his arm got tired; I was impressed.

Maybe a holiday wasn't the best time. There was almost no traffic. After an hour of sitting in the sweltering heat, with nearly all our ice melted in the pitchers, I tried to cheer him up by taking a picture. Here's what he thought. 

Poor little guy. Right after that the neighbor girl stopped by, which put some excitement back into him. Then my family came home from the parade and very kindly all bought lemonade. And a few more neighbors stopped. Only one customer came by who wasn't a relative or neighbor. She stopped because she said her son had done the same thing at Andy's age, a few miles further down, and NOBODY had stopped. :( He stood out all day with his sign and cried.

I though we had a good spot here, being at the head of the road and with a good drive-thru that connects our driveway and the neighbor's. Maybe lemonade stands just aren't "in" any more. We will try it once more on a non-holiday, but if that doesn't garner more business I think we will call it quits. I hate to do that to him, but I hate seeing him sit out there feeling miserable even more. He was happy with his take, THIS time. But it will take more than neighbors and family to make a summer of it, hehe.

Yesterday the weather cooled, and we went to pick strawberries. Mom said she would pay for them if we would pick. It was a great deal if we picked 20 lbs. or more, so we did. :) That's 13 lbs. in the photo.

Then we cleaned them all up and made jam. I froze some of the smallest berries for the boys' cereal, and made old-fashioned unsweetened jam with more. It turned out great! Tart, but delicious. Today I'm making jam for my mom with her berries.

I'm starting the switch to a diabetic diet. Hopefully keep this baby close to 8 lbs. My goal for now is to keep my sugar down to what I use in my coffee, and the occasional cookie or scoop of ice cream if we are out. And only one carb a day. THAT one is the tough one. All the cheapest foods are carbohydrates of some sort. And it's hard to find things I can eat jam with if I don't do carbs! I hadn't thought of that when I made my unsweetened jam lol. I don't think I need to do the strictest version of the diet, with no carbs and no sugar whatsoever. But if I do, I can start that during the last couple of months. The third trimester makes the biggest difference.

A baby sister!

Well, we had the gender ultrasound yesterday, and it's a girl! Yayy I get to buy pink and ruffles lol. I am starting the switch to a diabetic diet to keep her smaller than the boys, since the midwives are beside themselves over Hunter's birth weight and the fact that he had shoulder dystocia. I don't think there's any way this baby will get that big, and I feel like telling them to stop being such weenies. But it can't hurt to cut out the carbs and sugar. It just costs a whole lot more in groceries. :(

Andy was thrilled, and so was Hunter, despite his declaration that we needed 3 boys first, hehe. And Mark actually said, "Wow, I guess that's kinda cool," which is the closest he will get to being happy about it. So that made me very happy. He needs a little girl; he used to be terrified of them and I think having a daughter will be good for him. Hopefully it will make him less crude too. Sometimes it really gets tough being the only female in the house!

Donna "blessed the Lord," which really pissed me off in light of the fact that she had told us all she "wanted a refund" if it was a boy. I just told her that it was a blessing either way. She has wanted a little girl forever, and I will have to take this situation as it comes. I am glad to have learned some of the lessons I did before we had a girl. It will help me - and the kids - down the road. It won't hurt Andy not to be so blatantly spoiled any more, but it will hurt him to feel ignored. Some things I just can't fix. All I can do is try to minimize the exposure.

I am very excited. And although I don't plan to do anything medically for prevention, I can say with certainty that this baby will be enough. I feel like our family is going to be complete. We have two amazing, beautiful, smart sons, and no doubt an equally amazing daughter on the way; and the Lord has richly blessed me in the ways that matter. I'd rather have wonderful kids than plenty of money.