So, this year Andy's class requested donations to the family they are sponsoring in lieu of teacher gifts. I've been griping to myself about how I can't afford to give money, and feeling very guilty about that, and I had been planning to give the teacher something handmade but with the new baby, I haven't even made it through the hat I've been crocheting her for a month now. Hunter's school fundraiser came along, and I barely managed to get the cookies made, and then sat up way too late the night before, while getting sick, when I should have been sleeping, to starch and pin the crocheted snowflakes I finished just a little too late for LAST year's fundraiser. Only to find the next morning that starch was nowhere nearly stiff enough. In fact, I was supposed to have used fabric stiffener. And all I had to show for it was a bad case of laryngitis. The last few years holidays have just made me feel pretty useless because I can't manage to give anybody anything.
So I was awfully surprised when the pastor's wife called Sunday to see how I was doing (I was home sick with a sick baby), and tell us that their community had sponsored us for Christmas. She had mentioned something previously about a group getting gifts together for us, but I thought it was the church, and since they are a small church, consisting largely of elderly people on a fixed income, I had tried to be nonchalant and act like I wasn't desperate to collect the gifts or anything. I have a hard enough time asking for help without knowing that the people giving it have had to sacrifice to do so.
She said they would bring the things by on Monday. And on Monday, she and the pastor showed up, their car stuffed with enough boxes and bags to fill all the floor space in our small kitchen! I was pretty shocked. And I can't help but feel like we don't deserve it. I mean, aren't there people out there who DON'T have minimum clothes for their kids? Or who have to live on beans and rice? Didn't I just read about how the average food stamp benefit per person is $4 per day? We certainly get more than that. Then again, groceries here cost more than twice what they did in OK when we visited my sister, so that's probably a national average. Still, I have a very hard time accepting that we are being helped. And not because of pride. I just don't feel deserving of it.
I talked to my sister about it, and she said she felt the same way after Joshua was born and passed away, and so many people helped them out during that crisis. (Another time when I felt like a turd for being unable to pitch in.) And she said that when she looks around at what other people who are considered needy have, she realizes that she really shouldn't feel bad. I don't visit people since I have no car, and even if I did, I doubt many people in this area live very frugally. My sister sees much more of that where she lives. And having her say that made me feel less guilty.
My expectations for the holidays are always high, and especially with Mark having a real job this month. But the fact is that my biggest purchase for the boys this year was probably going to be a DVD player that works. The Other Mother always gives them a lot of toys all through December, and we are so overwhelmed with "stuff" by Christmas that it's pointless for me to buy them anything inexpensive. There's nothing we can afford to buy that she hasn't already given them; anything that would really impress them is financially impossible. Hunter saw Santa outside the grocery store and asked for a remote control airplane. Andy wanted an iPad. HA! Neither of those are a good idea even if we could afford them. (And the iPad in particular remains a bad idea, even though Mark got an Android which is similar, I have no idea why; and which I'm furious about, and which is useless without wi-fi, and a liability for theft or breakage, and we couldn't afford it, AND it was a completely inappropriate gift for any 6-year-old, especially one who mouths off and refuses to do a single chore and says horrid things to his little brother! Can you tell I'm angry?)
Moving on.....
The gifts were wonderful. Lots of clothes for the boys, some really nice things for Mark and I, adorable things for Morgan, and a few toys. My exasperation over the Lego sets, after I JUST finished collecting and confining the ones Mark and his mom got before Morgan ends up with one in her throat, was abated by the set of Disney beanbag Seven Dwarves. So cute! I have to admire them myself when I'm done vacuuming up tiny eeny weeny Legos.
Anyway, I started feeling a lot less guilty after I sat down and decided what the new budget was. Once I allowed myself to indulge thoughts of what we needed, it became a little overwhelming. I went out and used the gift cards for things I was going to scrape out of today's paycheck, and then started on the returns/exchanges. Don't think I'm stuck up; we can only use so many glove, hat and scarf sets lol. And several of the sweatsuits were too large. I started with the fewest items first, and went to Target, where I traded a couple of oversized shirts for nursing pads and Vitamin C. Relief to get those out of the way. I have a very bad habit of forgetting things completely after I've gone to a place a few times without being able to purchase them. It will take me a month to remember them again while I'm there. Then I went to Gymboree with a beautiful sweater that was too big for the boys. Hunter needed pants. Between the holiday sale, the return, and a coupon, he got a very nice pair of jeans with the elastic waist he needs. Whoohoo! Those are so hard to find. Then I traded some of the way-too-big clothes from Macy's for a sheet set. (I only wanted a fitted sheet, but they only carried sets. Why is that?) But we needed sheets after Hunter's recent Adventures With Scissors. The small holes get bigger with every wash.
A few things I was able to give to siblings, like socks that were too small for the boys, and bath towels that one of the newer couples in our family needed. We have plenty of towels because Donna brings us the ones left behind by summer campers where she works. They gave us things like hand soap and toothpaste, stain remover, dishwashing packets which I passed on to Mom, and a pretty wall placket that goes with the cabin as if custom-made. I intend to leave it there when we move, because it's perfect there. :) And I still have a big pile of stuff to return to Kohl's. With that I hope to replace the icky rug in front of the sink, and maybe get a blouse the right size. I guess when you tell someone you are an extra small, they just plain don't believe it lol. That's the 3rd time Vicki has asked me what size I am and then given me something medium. Hehe. She's a wonderful friend, but I think that extra small must not exist in her world. And don't bother hating me. I'm not dressing in oversized clothes just so other people feel better. :P
So maybe when Mark gets paid tonight, we just might be able to get something special for the boys. I'm thinking in-line skates. We don't have a place for them to ride bikes, and the skates can be transported much more easily. They've both expressed an interest. And I'm so happy that I can even think about getting them something they really want.
I think what it comes down to, is that I feel bad for having so many people care about me. Maybe I don't have more stuff than other needy people. But I still feel blessed, because I know that we aren't going to starve or be homeless. And that knowledge is worth an awful lot.
So I was awfully surprised when the pastor's wife called Sunday to see how I was doing (I was home sick with a sick baby), and tell us that their community had sponsored us for Christmas. She had mentioned something previously about a group getting gifts together for us, but I thought it was the church, and since they are a small church, consisting largely of elderly people on a fixed income, I had tried to be nonchalant and act like I wasn't desperate to collect the gifts or anything. I have a hard enough time asking for help without knowing that the people giving it have had to sacrifice to do so.
She said they would bring the things by on Monday. And on Monday, she and the pastor showed up, their car stuffed with enough boxes and bags to fill all the floor space in our small kitchen! I was pretty shocked. And I can't help but feel like we don't deserve it. I mean, aren't there people out there who DON'T have minimum clothes for their kids? Or who have to live on beans and rice? Didn't I just read about how the average food stamp benefit per person is $4 per day? We certainly get more than that. Then again, groceries here cost more than twice what they did in OK when we visited my sister, so that's probably a national average. Still, I have a very hard time accepting that we are being helped. And not because of pride. I just don't feel deserving of it.
I talked to my sister about it, and she said she felt the same way after Joshua was born and passed away, and so many people helped them out during that crisis. (Another time when I felt like a turd for being unable to pitch in.) And she said that when she looks around at what other people who are considered needy have, she realizes that she really shouldn't feel bad. I don't visit people since I have no car, and even if I did, I doubt many people in this area live very frugally. My sister sees much more of that where she lives. And having her say that made me feel less guilty.
My expectations for the holidays are always high, and especially with Mark having a real job this month. But the fact is that my biggest purchase for the boys this year was probably going to be a DVD player that works. The Other Mother always gives them a lot of toys all through December, and we are so overwhelmed with "stuff" by Christmas that it's pointless for me to buy them anything inexpensive. There's nothing we can afford to buy that she hasn't already given them; anything that would really impress them is financially impossible. Hunter saw Santa outside the grocery store and asked for a remote control airplane. Andy wanted an iPad. HA! Neither of those are a good idea even if we could afford them. (And the iPad in particular remains a bad idea, even though Mark got an Android which is similar, I have no idea why; and which I'm furious about, and which is useless without wi-fi, and a liability for theft or breakage, and we couldn't afford it, AND it was a completely inappropriate gift for any 6-year-old, especially one who mouths off and refuses to do a single chore and says horrid things to his little brother! Can you tell I'm angry?)
Moving on.....
The gifts were wonderful. Lots of clothes for the boys, some really nice things for Mark and I, adorable things for Morgan, and a few toys. My exasperation over the Lego sets, after I JUST finished collecting and confining the ones Mark and his mom got before Morgan ends up with one in her throat, was abated by the set of Disney beanbag Seven Dwarves. So cute! I have to admire them myself when I'm done vacuuming up tiny eeny weeny Legos.
Anyway, I started feeling a lot less guilty after I sat down and decided what the new budget was. Once I allowed myself to indulge thoughts of what we needed, it became a little overwhelming. I went out and used the gift cards for things I was going to scrape out of today's paycheck, and then started on the returns/exchanges. Don't think I'm stuck up; we can only use so many glove, hat and scarf sets lol. And several of the sweatsuits were too large. I started with the fewest items first, and went to Target, where I traded a couple of oversized shirts for nursing pads and Vitamin C. Relief to get those out of the way. I have a very bad habit of forgetting things completely after I've gone to a place a few times without being able to purchase them. It will take me a month to remember them again while I'm there. Then I went to Gymboree with a beautiful sweater that was too big for the boys. Hunter needed pants. Between the holiday sale, the return, and a coupon, he got a very nice pair of jeans with the elastic waist he needs. Whoohoo! Those are so hard to find. Then I traded some of the way-too-big clothes from Macy's for a sheet set. (I only wanted a fitted sheet, but they only carried sets. Why is that?) But we needed sheets after Hunter's recent Adventures With Scissors. The small holes get bigger with every wash.
A few things I was able to give to siblings, like socks that were too small for the boys, and bath towels that one of the newer couples in our family needed. We have plenty of towels because Donna brings us the ones left behind by summer campers where she works. They gave us things like hand soap and toothpaste, stain remover, dishwashing packets which I passed on to Mom, and a pretty wall placket that goes with the cabin as if custom-made. I intend to leave it there when we move, because it's perfect there. :) And I still have a big pile of stuff to return to Kohl's. With that I hope to replace the icky rug in front of the sink, and maybe get a blouse the right size. I guess when you tell someone you are an extra small, they just plain don't believe it lol. That's the 3rd time Vicki has asked me what size I am and then given me something medium. Hehe. She's a wonderful friend, but I think that extra small must not exist in her world. And don't bother hating me. I'm not dressing in oversized clothes just so other people feel better. :P
So maybe when Mark gets paid tonight, we just might be able to get something special for the boys. I'm thinking in-line skates. We don't have a place for them to ride bikes, and the skates can be transported much more easily. They've both expressed an interest. And I'm so happy that I can even think about getting them something they really want.
I think what it comes down to, is that I feel bad for having so many people care about me. Maybe I don't have more stuff than other needy people. But I still feel blessed, because I know that we aren't going to starve or be homeless. And that knowledge is worth an awful lot.
